This is going to be a bit of a different post. It’s 11.30pm and for some reason I am still awake. Not that being awake at 11.30pm is particularly unusual, it is just one of those days I can’t switch my brain off.
I’m trying to think what the reason is for not being able to sleep. I’m going through a hard phase. I have had two family members quite ill in the last few weeks and have also split from my partner of 5 years. The thing is, I don’t think that is what is keeping me awake this Monday evening.
This is a blog based around beauty. I write about making yourself feel beautiful on the outside, maybe it’s time I write about feeling beautiful on the inside too.
The thing is I don’t feel beautiful on the inside. I don’t feel a lot of anything. I think sometimes it is a lot easier to feel beautiful on the outside over inner beauty. It’s a hard thing to be completely comfortable with yourself and to love yourself. I know that I have struggled with it for a long time.
I think I have spent a lot of time living my life to please other people. I know I let myself be miserable because it was easier to do that then to face the reality that everything around me wasn’t working. I sometimes had a reoccurring nightmare that I was in a tube like maze that I couldn’t find my way out of. There was barely enough space to move and I felt like I was suffocating. I have only recently realised what that must of meant.
You can’t live life for anyone but yourself. You have to be selfish. You are important. Most important. I think when you exhaust so much of your energy to salvage what’s around you, it can suck the beauty out of you. I feel like the beauty in me is gone. Not on purpose, of course. I gave it because I loved the people around me.
Now I have to work on getting that back. Which I think is a whole new challenge on its own.